'The Gorge' Descends Into Hell

To Apple's credit, they knew not to release The Gorge in theaters. As is the case with so many of their recent films, it would have bombed. Because it's not very good. Nor is it a particularly good movie for theaters. So kudos for going to direct to streaming. The right call.¹ Sadly, that may have been the only right call here.

What I find particularly annoying about The Gorge is that the first half is actually half decent. I honestly sort of like the Miles Teller/Anya Taylor-Joy holding up their Love Actually love notes schtick.

The idea of trying to wrap this movie around Valentine's Day feels incredibly contrived – in fact, I'm going to guess the whole father's death bit was tacked on at the last minute – but still, the love story pen pal thing is sort of cute.

It's a meet cute... in HELL.

The mistake they make is having the creatures from the black lagoon show up too early and then when Levi and Drasa get together for the first time they, um, don't even bring it up. Lol. WTF?! Did they also tack that bit on at the end? I mean, it makes zero sense.

We didn't even get that. We got nothing! They killed a bunch of demon ents and never said a word about it! Come on, people. You obviously should have had the beasts from below attack while they're not on watch, too busy grooving to records and moonshine. This is what happens if you fool around, kids. And the action starts from there.

It's just as well that they messed this up because the second half of the movie is a total mess. Once we descend into the Gorge, it's sort of a bad version of The Last of Us meets a bad version of the White Walkers in Game of Thrones (mixed with some Children of the Forest). Honestly, it would have been much better if they made the Gorge literal Hell. Not some strange chemical Manhattan Project gone awry.

Why are different areas different colors? Because it looks cool, duh. Except it doesn't even look particularly cool. The whole part in the Gorge looks rather cheap.

Even the dialogue manages to get worse in the second half. It wasn't great in the first, but it descends into your typical cliches. And some truly great expository – from the 1940s? – explaining that they'll be fine down there because exposure for hours is okay, just don't stay for days. Then you're screwed. Also, there's some poetry. Truly. Not so much trying to connect this to the themes of T.S. Elliot's "The Hollow Men" versus just a love poem. Cool.

At least Sigourney Weaver is there to save the day – nope, she's bad in this too.

Why is Levi late to show up in the end? Is he infected?! Nope, just late. You know, just like life. That may have been the most realistic part of the entire movie. It ends not with a bang, but with a literal whimper.

¹ Apple really needs to figure out the film side of the house. It's pretty strange how good the shows are and how bad the films are.