The Clone Bores

I started out cautiously optimistic about The Acolyte, the latest entry in the Star Wars cannon by Disney. Yes, there was a very real risk that Leslye Headland was going to go too in-the-weeds for this to rope in the more casual Star Wars fans alongside the diehards, but that might have been okay. As long as it was good. Unfortunately, it was not very good.

This reality is far more divisive than it should be, and undoubtedly some culture war stuff is to blame. On Threads in particular, it seems like there are people who are ready and willing to defend The Acolyte at all costs. To those people I would say this: it’s not worth it. There are a few good moments, and some great lightsaber fights, but not a single great episode. And the third episode is truly one of the worst bits of content in the history of the franchise.

When those of us called out such carelessness in real time, many were quick to note that there would likely be a Rashomon-like payoff in a future episode. Well, there was. Unfortunately, that episode was also not any good. Better than the third, sure. But that was the lowest of low bars.

Ultimately, The Acolyte as a whole was a mess. There are some decent enough ideas, but the execution on them ranges from juvenile to boring to tedious. To me, this all stems from the core notion here that a Jedi, Sol, felt such a strong pull towards a Force-created being, Osha, that he was willing to do a bunch of just silly and dumb things in order to make her his Padawan.¹ And the entire show kicks off with the notion that she just sort of stopped being his Padawan. And that would have been that except that her twin sister, who is actually just an evil clone of her, is going around killing Jedi.

Again, the second half of that premise is actually decent enough. In a time of relative peace and stability, why is someone killing Jedi? But they ultimately bungle it and muddle it with the backstory. There was a fire you see. It was believed to have killed the Force witches that spawned the “twins”. And Sol lied about the evil twin being responsible for it. Except that she was actually responsible for the fire. But also Sol killed the “mother” of the “twins”, which actually didn’t seem all that unreasonable given the weird magic going on. There’s slightly more nuance in there, but it really doesn’t matter.

The best parts of the show involved Qimir — aka "The Stranger". His entrance, floating down from the trees silently was truly great and creepy. As was his Kylo Ren-meets-Venom-meets-Xenomorph helmet. He should have been the main character of the show. Especially if he is indeed an acolyte of...

Darth Plagueis! Fucking finally. After years and years of speculation about this Sith character – some of us may have even read a novel about him after going down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out who Snoke was in the latest trilogy, which of course was a total waste of time in the end – we finally get a payoff. It's about 10 minutes into the last episode and about 10 seconds long, but it's worth it. A sort of terrifying glimpse in a way that conjures Gollum in the The Fellowship of the Ring and that creepy first glance of the alien in Signs. Less is more. And we wouldn’t even know for sure it’s him except that Headland confirmed it. Perhaps as a sort of dangling carrot to get a second season greenlit?

Well that and Yoda. Honestly, I’m far less interested in that “big” reveal at the end than I am in Plagueis. We all love Yoda, but we’ve seen him a lot in various prequels and spin-offs. I’m more interested in the Sith story here, which is the whole premise of the series.

Despite all my issues, I hope we get a second season just so Plagueis isn't a MacGuffin yet again. I'd do a lot more with Rayencourt, the Republic senator who mistrusts the Jedi (and is one of the few actually good performances here given by David Harewood). Rayencourt undermining the Jedi in the Senate while Qimir and Plagueis undermind the order, physically.

There's something interesting to be done with Vernestra, obviously around her relationship with Qimir. But also Rayencourt.

You can't really move on from Osha, but I'd transform her from the titular acolyte into more of a vessel to give us a terrifying glimpse into the nature of the Sith, once she realizes that Plagueis, perhaps, helped bring her and her sister into the world with his dark side abilities that some would consider to be unnatural.

¹ Yes, this parallels the plot of The Phantom Menace -- probably too closely. That film also had Liam Neeson and a character we knew would grow up to be Darth Vader. The obsessive relationship in The Acolyte was just awkward and also slightly creepy?