Fuck Everything, We're Doing Print
I can't believe NYT didn't take my obvious headline about The Onion
No Joke: The Onion Thinks Print Is the Future of Media
The satirical site is hoping a newspaper with fake stories and fake ads will lead to real money.
The Onion is learning some old tricks:
The headlines — all 52 of them — were completely fake, possible fodder for the satirical news site. But the jokesters behind those stories are also hard at work on a genuine experiment in the media business, one so counterintuitive that it sounds as if it could have been published in The Onion.
This week, The Onion began distributing a print edition for the first time in more than a decade and will soon deliver it monthly to everyone who subscribes to its site. The move is a throwback to the publication’s roots as a campus weekly in the late 1980s.
But it is also emblematic of a growing trend in the media industry — trying new ways to attract and retain digital subscribers.
I recall quite fondly what it meant to get a print version of The Onion – friends at The University of Wisconsin used to bring some that were distributed on campus home. So I love this – especially for a site that seemed like it might not be long for this world just a few months ago:
Over the past 10 years, The Onion has changed hands three times. It was bought by the Spanish-language television company Univision, the digital publisher G/O Media and, this year, Global Tetrahedron. Along the way, there have been layoffs, tense contract negotiations and even the sale of The Onion’s sister site, The A.V. Club.
But its 15 staff members are hoping the worst is behind them. Under the owner of Global Tetrahedron, Jeff Lawson, a co-founder of the tech company Twilio, the publication has enjoyed a relatively calm period.
Mr. Lawson said he had started joking with friends about buying The Onion after Marc Benioff, the founder of Salesforce, bought Time magazine in 2018. In early 2024, Mr. Lawson was introduced to a group interested in buying The Onion, including Mr. Collins; Leila Brillson, a former TikTok executive; and Danielle Strle, a product development executive.
“I said, ‘I have $600 — who wants to help me buy this?’” Mr. Collins said. He said he was lucky to be introduced to Mr. Lawson, “the only regular person in Silicon Valley.”
That last bit may be true. Jeff Lawson is a legitimately nice and regular guy – and I swear I'm not saying that just because he's a fellow Michigan alum. I met him when nobody knew what Twilio was and I would see him every once in a while long after the company went public – he was the same guy each and every time.
Also, he gives quotes like this:
Mr. Lawson said he hadn’t discussed his purchase of The Onion with Elon Musk — the Tesla chief executive, who at one point discussed a bid for the site — despite their shared love of satire.
“Unbelievably, not all Silicon Valley people hang out in an evil mountainside lair,” Mr. Lawson said.
Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That’s three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, fuck it. We’re going to five blades.
The Onion Staff